To the ether,

I'm blessed that I get to enjoy this so called "paid time off" in celebration of America's birthday. Although, let's just be honest. America was a bit of a bitch on Friday with it's horrific decision making (6-3 is a number we'll see for a long while). . .  And now she expects us to celebrate her a few days later?  . . . Not feeling very FREE lately, but ok. Not to mention as a neurodiverse individual that is incredibly sensitive to sound - I've always found the fireworks aspect of the celebratory mandates irritating. If you've ever owned a dog, you know how worked-up an anxious they become... It is the same for me. Obviously, in the appropriate setting: for example at an actual parade, event or bayside viewing I think it's completely fine. But when my neighbors are cracking off multiple fireworks that sound like gunshots my blood pressure starts pumping through my ears in a way that not only makes it hard to concentrate but completely throws my nervous system for a loop. I'd also like to mention that i DO NOT have any PTSD or any other more serious diagnosis that would really cause more strife, and yet here I am - still annoyed about my neighbors early celebrations yesterday evening. *deep breaths* It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things!

Anyhow, I found myself languishing in bed this morning after I had forgotten to turn off my usual "get up for work" alarm. I was mostly awake, and slept well enough that I didn't even try to go back to sleep. After doom-scrolling for 30mins, as most of us tend to do automatically, i decided to just get out of bed and set some coffee.... and maybe do something I always KEEP TELLING MYSELF i would do if I was so lucky as to be rich and retired. All the usual suspects lined up in my head: should I read? should I review our home budget? should I woke on all the business pages on my website that I've yet to put together? Maybe something a little more fun, and start with a manifestation ritual since I missed out working with the Full Moon on the first. . . But instead, i decided to sit down and write a blog post. Not that I think anyone will necessarily read it, I am the worst at promoting my own creative endeavors especially ones that I think don't hold an inherent value to the strangers on the other side of the screen. Yet, writing has always held some sort of magical healing for me. Not only do i find it therapeutic to pull the string from my brain and unfurl my thoughts onto paper... but somehow it helps quiet the constant ongoing chatter. It helps me process information by forcing me to SLOW DOWN enough to actually formulate the words on the keyboard, instead of rushing past them the way I tend to minute by minute every hour of the conscious day.

So, I'm sitting here at my dinnette. The soft glow of an overcast morning filtering in the through the window. My coffee is still piping hot, and as I stare off out of focus, it makes me giggle that my yellow Minion cup looks like it "mad" at something and literally steaming. My mind starts to wander from topic to topic. What the heck do I even really want to write about? The last time I sat to write my thoughts at length was when I was still processing the loss of my beloved dog Jenna, who passed at the end of January. I wince a bit at the thought of her, and i can feel the familiar sting of my eyes immediately trying to produce tears on cue. I wrote nearly 10 pages within the week she died, and probably about 10 more in the weeks that followed. My entire personal instagram account turned into a bit of memorial for her. I look back now (has it really already been 5 months), and think of how much has changed in seemingly short span of time. Major changes that, sadly will be lost to time by this time next year. Maybe not lost fully, my trajectory has certainly changed - but the details as to how i will have arrived there will be fuzzy at best in that distant future. . . why not memorialize it the best way i know how, through long-winded recollection.

I would be remiss to actually start with how Jenna's loss changed me. As a child-free adult by choice, our dogs are probably one of the closest connections and relationships i have on a day to day basis. She was my favorite- and I never made any effort to hide it. I've also had to admit to myself that I've never been the best caretaker. Sure, I loved her to bits and pieces- but when it came to the HARD stuff, my husband always stepped in ... whether it was the lengthy baths outside (she had so much fur!) or washing the poop out of her behind when she got a sick stomach... I kinda of always took the comfortable back seat. I regret that now, more so because it would've just been more opportunities to spend more time with her. The day before we had to make the decision for humane euthanasia, i actually tried to barter some of her days for mine in a water ritual. The day she passed I was fortunate that we had the opportunity to go see her. I held her, spoke to her, and performed Reiki on her little body after she crossed. A few weeks after she passed, I started to have a bit of an identity crisis and I realized...for the second or third time in my life... that the pursuit of work prestige and money weren't really making me as happy as I was promised they would in my teen years. My arrival to this particular emotional outburst was a bit odd and circuitous, but not an unfamiliar one. I felt like, the stress of having to ask for time off to process my grief, the guilt that came with not being a productive employee and my overall disillusionment with my quality of life just all took the wind out of my at once.

It was then that I decided to start doing more things that gave me a hint of a 'glimmer' in my day to day life. Finding the things that genuinely made me smile or feel joy - no matter how short, and without regard to whether those things made sense to anymore besides me. To release such strict capitalistic expectations of production from myself, and be more at peace with simply being as opposed to this internalized drive to always be doing. (SPOILER ALERT: It is a lot easier said than done!) My husband has been nothing short of supportive, and often encourages me to find a different job. Once that is more casual, less leadership include. Hell, he's even suggested i just become a barista for a few months just to break free from my decades long cycle of climbing the corporate ladder only to find myself in a new circle of burnout every 2 years or so. While i have not QUIT my draining position as now... I have taken a much gentler approach to how i manage my own soul. For example, I've taken my goal to read 18 non-ficiton books to learn new things ... and changed it to simply ask that I read for pleasure. Period. No quota, no page count, not furious note taking as if I was studying for a non-existant test... Just read, to read.
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Similarly, back in November on 2022 I did my first VENDOR event for my business, and really put myself out there, and even did a speech on Quantum Entanglement. It was scary, but exhilarating. Shortly after, I had big plans of doing vendor events on a monthly basis, with a target profit margin... and post January 2023 - Im happy to continue finding myself at vendor events, but now my goal is simply to enjoy the people watching aspect, and read for those curious enough to engage with me. To enjoy the act of helping others, even the skeptical, while releasing the need to prove my worth with the monetary balance at the end of said event. As someone who grew up motivated by currency for good behavior & good grades- it is incredibly difficult to extricate myself worth from the all powerful American Dollar. But it is work that has been extremely rewarding, as I move closer to staying in gratitude for simply being here - Alive, healthy, and moving through the different stages of life. Observing with less judging. Feeling emotions with less filtering. Being present more often.

I hope anyone reading this have found their own small epiphanies in this piece and that my openness and vulnerability will help someone out there feel a little less alone. Navigating the day to day mundane aspects of life can wear us down, but there is always a little magic to be found if we are committed to looking for it.

With love,
Esteria

Banner Photo by Ahsan Avi on Unsplash